“That mud is an awful place to be. To be stuck, immobile. But also to be dying of thirst and starvation. That is what it feels like when you know you can no longer make a difference with the people you are assigned to serve.”
The Space Between
But months later, the trauma washed over me, drowned me. I happened to be on a retreat, and we had shared our lives with one another, and I had finally told my story, and the gravity of it crushed me down. Quite literally. As I made my way to my room, I sat on the floor. Then I fell over. I curled into a ball. I knew I needed to brush my teeth. I knew I needed to put on my pajamas. I knew I needed to turn out the light. I knew I needed to climb into the bed. And I also knew I could do none of those things.
Thankful for Kanye
“So keep sitting on the sidelines, mainlines. Miss the opportunities right before us to share the Good News. Miss it because we are sure we have the real Gospel. But if no one ever hears it because we are too good to get in the conversation, or because we are quick to judge the message without even really listening to it, then eventually we will have too few of us left to share this news we think is so great.”
Knowing Who You Are
“After worship, the woman caught me. ‘I decided to tell her the truth. I decided to tell her I had spent too many years in the closet. I was never going to be able to come out of that closet in my other church. For all the problems with Methodism, I at least know I am okay to be out of the closet. And you know what? She told me she had quit going to church because she started taking some medicine for depression and they told her she was weak if she needed those pills and she didn’t have enough faith. I am so glad you told me to talk to her. I think we have a real connection now.’”
Can I Argue with Alec Benjamin?
While my Sunday school theology wants to affirm that God is everywhere, both Scripture and experience bring that foundational “truth” into question. And honestly, I am more than a little uncomfortable. I have leaned on the idea that there is nowhere God would reject. That God would be present in everything and everywhere. And also, to return to the song that started this whole mess, I am certain that Jesus is present in LA. And again from stories of experiences of others, sometimes it is exactly at the bottom of bottle where Jesus is found, because that is sometimes the desperate place where someone finally turns and seeks their savior. And that is the rub. The question is not whether God would be present somewhere. The question is whether we want God to be present there or not.
Getting Me Out of the Way
It will help some of you to understand that I am a one on the enneagram. I don’t need to be the star necessarily, but let’s just say I have a healthy ego. Or at least I did until I got the message that basically no one wants to see me on video. But what’s wrong with seeing me? After all, aren’t we in a culture that validates us by our exposure? Who am I if I am not a well-liked social media presence? What purpose do I have if my image is not out there, getting shared and drawing in new friends? Why should I even bother writing a book if I can’t tell my own story?
Unjust Unjustice
I was wearing a t-shirt that said, “I love Jesus. But I cuss and drink a little.” Part of me was grateful for the honest declaration about where things were imminently headed. But part of me, part of me realized I had “Jesus” emblazoned across my chest and I was treating a fellow human being exactly how Jesus would not treat this human being.
At Home Being Homeless
I am going to hear ridiculous things like this for the entirety of my ministry. So will probably all the women pastors currently serving (I hold out a glimmer of hope for my younger Millennial and Gen Z colleagues, but stupidity takes a long time to weed out). So when John MacArthur told Beth Moore to go home, I just rolled my eyes. It is nothing we haven’t heard before. It is nothing we won’t hear again. The only difference is the high visibility of the two people involved.
Experiencing a Discipleship Pentecost
Another pastor, Doug, had a two-point charge and was struggling to know how to lead them both. After testing both congregations, he understood what his difficulty was. He had one Matthean church, and one Lukan church, and he is Johannine. All of them were approaching discipleship in different ways. Now he knew he needed to do some translation for his people, because in some ways they were all speaking different languages of discipleship. Different languages of discipleship. How are we supposed to understand each other then?
Remain Until You Leave
It is the only way we survive this life. You see, we are asked, expected, to love people deeply. And then a day comes, like ripping a bandaid off, when we stop loving that group of people and turn around and start loving another group of people, just as deeply. I know the theology behind this. I know the discipline, and it is a discipline I am called to. But that doesn’t make the reality any easier to live. So when we know we are leaving, we have to start giving ourselves the space we need to survive this life. We have to start making the transition from one people to another.
A Tale of Two Charges
“And so yeah, there was that banner, flying for a month across the street. It was the first I had ever heard of Pastor Appreciation Month, so I thought for a bit it was something that particular church cooked up. Maybe that’s what some of my people thought too. Except Google exists. And Facebook exists. So that delusion didn’t last long. So I went one long month, no cards or emails, but with my encouragement file on my desk instead of tucked away. It was hard. I know I shouldn’t care about such things, but when it is waving in your face, it is a little hard to ignore.”
I Don't Care What Time You Got Here; This is Hard Work!
“So let’s live like the people of God and seek the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth, instead of grumbling about who deserves what when. Let God have the power to give through us abundantly.”
Practicing What I Preach... While I Preach
“And yet, in the midst of such exciting work, I have been personally assailed. This past year has probably been my most difficult year ever, wracked with grief and guilt and loss and change, and so much more. It has threatened to derail my faith. It was such an ironic position to be in, to be going around teaching people how to grow in their discipleship at the same time as mine was so far off track. But just over a month ago, it occurred to me I could do something about it. I could practice what I preach.”
Don't Judge Me
That is what we do. We stand in line at the store and look in the shopping carts of the people ahead of us, and no matter what they have in there, we judge. But then if we see them use the SNAP EBT card, we feel entitled to judge.
It's the End of the End of the World (And I Feel Fine)
“There appears to be a distinct difference in Millennials and Gen Z when it comes to the end of the world. Millennials have shaped their worldview around it. Gen Z has decided to ignore it.”
The Green Ping Pong Ball
“And that is when I learned that there are things that the people we love want and need, and many of those things are really not a big deal. They just need us to give to them. Why don’t we just do what they need? Why don’t we just give them what they want? So often, what they want and need are such small things really. Why hold back?“
Traveling Companions
“They are on this road, and they have a destination, but honestly they don’t know where they are headed. I have found myself on such a road from time to time in my life. The traveling companions you take with you are crucial on those roads. “
How Do We Understand Symbolism?
Many [symbols] are written as something called hidden transcripts. Hidden transcripts appear to say one thing to the public, but for those who are savvy, for those who have followed the clues and have knowledge to understand what is really being said, those public declarations say something else entirely. They say, “I am done following a corrupt and contaminated empire that is more interested in preserving power than in serving the greater good.”
Where's My Invitation?
This woman knows I live an hour from Little Rock. She also knows I am a United Methodist pastor…. She knows I am fully invested in my denomination, and she knows I can’t live out my call in her denomination. And yet, despite all that, she invited me to her church anyway.
Methodists: sit up and take note.
The Uncommon Common
“I did get up and go to church. I sat next to people I sit next to every week. Not one of them, except the people who came in the same car as me and the pastor who presided over communion, know I am a survivor. So no one knew to check on me. This community has left me to wither and die on the vine. They have left me feeling like I have more in common with people in bed suffering from depression than with people who have hope in resurrection.”